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Amie Warwick

 

Letting People Change

Posted On:02-Feb-2020/9:32 pm

Change can be a hard thing to adapt to, especially when it comes to our friends and loved ones. You often hear about people breaking up or ending friendships because “that person changed”. This change can vary from insignificant deviations, to widespread personality re-evaluations. Lately, I have noticed that people tend to become defensive, or even upset, when they discover you have changed. Sometimes, people take it as a personal afront, and are almost offended that you dared to change without informing them. But change is human nature! Humans are fickle, unpredictable, conflicting, and down-right contradictory! That’s how people are. So, how do we recognize change in those around us and be okay with it. 

I first noticed this disdain toward change when talking to my mother. My dislike for tomatoes was notoriously known in my family; and my mom, being the detail-orientated mother, she is, knew this about me. Two weeks ago, my mom was visiting and her and I were having lunch at a restaurant; and when I ordered bruschetta (an Italian dish with diced tomatoes), she was visibly upset at me when I ordered, stating, “but you hate tomatoes”. I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “I don’t know, I like them now”. I thought this change was minor and insignificant, but my mom almost took it as an offense, saying that I had always loathed them and demanding to know when I changed my mind. I had no answer for her, because that’s how humans are. We change, grow, and adapt, sometimes without even noticing or trying. My mother then insisted that I tell her if I had changed in any other ways. I became embarrassed and almost upset at her attitude toward my dietary change. Why was I being made to feel flawed for acting how humans do?

I have noticed that quite a lot of people seem to react this way when they discover that a person’s mind or personality have altered in some way. I even did it to my own husband. We were deciding which movie to watch when he suggested a musical, to which I replied, “but you have always hated musicals”. He told me that he must have changed his mind and I almost reacted similarly to how my mom did.

I now understand why my mom felt the way she did. It can be nerve-racking to find out that a person you thought you knew so well, can change right under your nose. It can be quite unsettling – you start to realize that he or she could change their mind about anything and everything and could even become an entirely new person. Not to mention the fact that they could change their mind about how they feel about you. But again, becoming frustrated at my husband for changing won’t help the situation. Of course, he’s allowed to change his mind about anything he sees fit, and so am I, and so are you. While change can be distressing and make you feel uneasy about the future, it’s important to let those around you know that it’s okay to change and adapt without your permission. Change is inevitable, and it is important for cognitive and spiritual growth. We are human – we are all going to change our minds eventually. It could be a major change like a career path, or a minor change like our taste for tomatoes.

Takeaways:

1 : People tend to become defensive, or even upset, when they discover you have changed.

2 : People need to change. This is how we grow.

Category:  Change / Subcategory:  Life = Change

Tags: Adapt, Cognitive Growth, Spiritual Growth, Inevitable, Deviation, Personality, Defensive, Human Nature, Grow, Attitude, Future

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Adaego M. Azi

11-Feb-2020

Amie--the idea of being angry when people change makes no sense to me. We all need to change; I know that I do. How are you going to grow if you don’t change? Amie, the story about your mom is such a common reaction. When your mom demanded that you explain why you now like tomatoes and also tell her what else you have changed your mind about, it also such a common reaction--this one might be just a parent thing ;-)

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S. Jakes

11-Feb-2020

This topic is kinda interesting. At first I thought is about changing people. I agree with you, Amara--our world makes more sense when we can predict how people around us will think and behave. However, I know first hand what it’s like when people (particularly family members) think they know you, or what you want in life, and tell you how you are suppose to behave. It sucks!! Good job Amie!!

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Bruce Peters

09-Feb-2020

Amie and Amara, I agree with both of you. Sometimes I find myself in this situation. Good choice of words--it is as if, I resent my friends and family members when they change or view the world from a different perspective. And by the way, I keep waiting for my ex-wife to change some of her ways!

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Amara Kone

04-Feb-2020

Amie, you are correct, we do resent it when those close to us change (unbeknownst to us). It makes our environment uncertain. One thing we think we can always count on is knowing who the people are around us. I agree, people need to change and they do not need our permission.